Forming comparisions 3

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Chapter 19 Spicing Up and Trimming Down Your Sentences In This Chapter Creating interesting sentence structures Combining sentences by subordinating Reversing standard order Examining repetition and awkward wording A s I write this, the rain beats down on my window. How glad I am not to be outside! Smiling, I type away, dry and cozy. Compare the above paragraph to the next paragraph: I am writing. The rain beats down on my window. I am glad that I am not outside. I am smil- ing. I type away. I am dry and cozy. Okay, admit it. The first version is better. Why? Because variety is not only the spice of life but the spice of writing as well. In this chapter you practice adding variety to your sen- tences by altering the underlying structure and combining ideas. You also get some scissor practice by cutting repetitive or awkward expressions. Beginning with a Bang: Adding Introductory Elements The spine of most English sentences is subject-verb: Mary walks, Oliver opens, and so forth. Most sentences also have some sort of completion, what grammarians call a complement or an object: Mary walks the dog, Oliver opens the peanut butter. Even when you throw in some descriptions, this basic skeleton is boring if it’s the only struc- ture you ever use. The easiest and most effective way to change the basic pattern is to add an introductory element, which is italicized in the following examples: Sticking her finger in the jar, Agnes curdled the peanut butter. (The introductory verb form tells something Agnes did.) Despite the new polish on her nails, Agnes was willing to eat without a fork. (The intro- ductory phrase gives information about Agnes’s willingness to get down and dirty with the peanut butter.) When she was full, Agnes closed the jar. (The introductory statement has a subject and a verb, she was, and in grammar terms is a clause. Once again, you get more information about Agnes.)
244 Part V: Writing with Style As always in grammar, you don’t need to clutter your mind with definitions. Just try some of the patterns, but be sure to avoid a common error: The subject of the main part of the sentence must be the one doing the action or in the state of being described by the intro- ductory verb form. Check out Chapter 15 for more information on this sort of error. Put boredom behind you by combining the two statements in each question, making one of the statements an introductory element. Note: Several answers are possible for each exer- cise. Your answer may differ from the one I provide in the answers section and still be cor- rect. Check to see that you express the same ideas as the original statements and that the action or state of being expressed by the introductory verb form relates to the subject of the main portion of the sentence. Q. The boss wants the memo immediately. Oliver stops cleaning his teeth and starts typing. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ A. Realizing that the boss wants the memo immediately, Oliver stops cleaning his teeth and starts typing. This is just one of many possibilities. You may also begin with a state- ment like Now that Oliver knows that the boss wants the memo immediately, he stops cleaning his teeth and starts typing. 1. Jesse is considering retirement. Jesse’s mortgage holder thinks that Jesse should work at least 100 more years. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 2. The bank wants Jesse to work hard. Jesse’s debt is quite large. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 3. Jesse wants to drink martinis on a tropical island. Jesse also wants to keep his house. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 4. Jesse’s entire plan is impractical. An especially unrealistic part lets Jesse drink martinis all day. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 5. The bank manager speaks to Jesse in a loud voice. She points out that Jesse has $.02 in his savings account. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________
245 Chapter 19: Spicing Up and Trimming Down Your Sentences 6. The bank manager angers easily. Jesse brings out the worst in her. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 7. Jesse considered robbing the bank. Jesse is an honest man. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 8. The bank manager eventually decided to rob the bank. She drank martinis on a tropical island. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ Smoothing Out Choppy Sentences The term subordinate doesn’t refer to the poor slob who has to make coffee and open letters for the boss. Instead, a subordinate is the part of the sentence that, while still containing a subject and a verb, occupies a position of lesser importance in relation to the rest of the sentence. In the world of grammar, which is not a tourist destination, the full name is subordinate clause. Try not to remember that fact. Do remember that subordinate clauses may fall at the beginning, middle, or end of the sentence. Some examples, with the subordinate in italics: The box, which Ellen was told never to open, practically screamed, “Look inside!” After she had pried up the lid, Ellen ran screaming down the hall. Ellen is planning to repair whatever was damaged if she ever manages to replace the lid. (This one has two subordinates, whatever was damaged and if she . . . the lid.) As you see, subordination is useful for tucking one idea into another. If you have a lot of short sentences strung together, subordination can make your writing less choppy. Take a shot at inserting ideas. Combine the ideas in these exercises into one sentence per question, using subordinate clauses. Q. Ellen’s boss held a press conference. The boss issued a statement about “the incident.” ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ A. Ellen’s boss held a press conference at which he issued a statement about “the inci- dent.” More than one answer is possible here. Here’s another: Ellen’s boss, who held a press conference, issued a statement about “the incident.” 9. Joseph Shmo is a prize-winning reporter. He asked the boss a number of questions. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________
246 Part V: Writing with Style 10. The boss asked Joe to sit down and be quiet. Joe refused. He was still looking for informa- tion about “the incident.” ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 11. The CIA became interested in the case. The agency sent several agents. The agents were supposed to investigate. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 12. Ellen didn’t want to talk to the agents. Her boss had told her that her job was in jeopardy. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 13. Ellen bought a bus ticket. She slipped out of the office. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 14. The CIA may track her down. They will deal with her harshly. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 15. Ellen is away. The boss is trying to manage the news media. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 16. Ellen has offered her story to an independent film company. The film company is tenta- tively interested. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 17. The box has been placed in the nation’s most secure prison. The prison is located in a desert. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 18. Some people know what was in the box. Those people are in danger. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________
247 Chapter 19: Spicing Up and Trimming Down Your Sentences Awkward but Interesting: Reversed Sentence Patterns What wakes up an audience faster than a triple latte? The words in conclusion. Knowing that a speech is almost over gives the listener an extra burst of attention. Similarly, in writ- ing, the end of a chapter or a paragraph — and even the end of an individual sentence — may be a high-interest spot. Yet most writers fail to take advantage of this phenomenon. Instead, they lull the reader with the usual subject-verb-object/complement pattern. Run your eyeballs over these two examples: The hungry bear ran through the trees, across a clearing, and toward our SUV. Through the trees, across a clearing, and toward our SUV ran the hungry bear. Nothing is wrong with the first sample sentence, but isn’t the second a nice change of pace? In the second, the hungry bear is a punch line. The sentence leads the reader through the bear’s route before revealing the subject. Granted, you wouldn’t want to reverse all your sentences. Doing so would simply create another pattern with the potential to bore your reader. But stick an occasional reversed sentence in your writing, and your reader will thank you. Don’t reverse sentences by lapsing into passive voice. Active voice is when the subject does the action (Mary poked Peter); passive is when the subject receives the action (Peter was poked by Mary). Passive voice isn’t wrong. In fact, it comes in handy very occasionally when you don’t want to say who did what (The window was broken). But passive is wordy and awkward. If you can stay active, do so. These sentences are in the usual order. Hit reverse gear and reword. Aim for the same meaning expressed in a different order. To keep you awake, I tuck in a couple of passive- voice sentences. Change them to active voice (any order) for a better, stronger expression. Q. The paper deliverer tossed onto our lawn a sticky, soggy mess of a newspaper. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ A. A sticky, soggy mess of a newspaper the paper deliverer tossed onto our lawn. 19. Duke, our favorite Pug, was soon sprinting from the kitchen, sliding through the living room, and making a bee-line for the lawn. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 20. The locked front door was in Duke’s way. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________
248 Part V: Writing with Style 21. The newspaper and advertisements were not chewed by Duke. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 22. Duke did place a few tooth marks and about a hundred scratches on the front door. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 23. Puppy obedience school was unsuccessful for Duke. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 24. The paper deliverer stood on the front porch listening to Duke’s frantic efforts. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 25. He was not a fan of dogs. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 26. His left leg had seven dog-bite scars. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 27. Duke was not to blame for the paper deliverer’s tooth marks. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ 28. The mail carrier’s scars, on the other hand, were inflicted by Duke. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ Shedding and Eliminating Redundancy Don’t you hate listening to the same thing twice? I hate listening to the same thing twice. You probably hate listening . . . okay, I’m sure you get the point by now! Repetition is boring. You should avoid it in your writing, regardless of the form it takes — and it does take many forms, including doubled adjectives (calm and serene), extra phrases (six feet tall in height), or just plain saying the same thing two different ways (in my opinion I think).