1000 câu chuyện cười song ngữ Anh

VUI H󰹭C TI󰹟NG ANH

English Funny Stories

1000 CÂU CHUY󰹧N CƯ󰹽ｉ＠ｓｏｎｇ＠ｎｇ󰺏

ANH - VI󰹧T

English Funny Stories

CHUYN V CHNG

THE BUM …

A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the

street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not

going to spend in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some

crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf

course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to

come home with him for a home cooked meal. The

bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the

man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of

him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she

sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I

want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't

drink, gamble or play golf."

K N MÀY …

Mt gã n mày tin gn mt quý ông n mt sang

trng trên ng ph. “Này, ông bn quý, ông có th

cho hai ô la c không?” Ngi àn ông n mc

sang trng tr li:” Bn s không tiêu tin vào ru

chè, phi không?”

“Không, tha ngài, tôi không ung ru,” gã n mày

cãi li.

“Bn s không qung nó vào nhng ván chơi tào lao,

phi không?” ngi àn ông thng lu hi.

“ Không theo li ó. Tôi không chơi bài,” gã n mày

tr li.

“ Bn s không tiêu hoang tin vào nhng khong

phí hõm ca mt cuc gôn, phi không?” ngi àn

ông hi.

“Không bao gi,” tên n mày nói, “tôi không chơi

gôn.”

Ngi àn ông hi gã n mày có mun v nhà vi

ông ta n cơm nhà không. Gã n mày hm h ng

ý. Trong khi h ang i hng v nhà ngi àn

ông, gã n mày không thng c tính tò mò. “V

ông s không ni gin khi bà y t h y m t gã nh tôi

ti bàn n ca ông à?”

“ Chc là có,” ngi àn ông nói, “nhng s áng

nh th. Tôi mun cô y t hy iu gì xy ra cho mt

gã không nhu nht, c bc hoc chơi gôn.”

HOW TO LIVE?

"Darling," said the young man to his new bride.

"Now that we are married, do you think you will be

able to live on my modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But

what will you live on?"

LÀM SAO  SNG?

“Em yêu,” mt ngi àn ông tr nói vi cô dâu

mi.”Vì rng chúng ta ci nhau, em có ngh em s

có th sng bng thu nhp khiêm tn ca anh?”

“D nhiên, anh yêu, không sao c,” cô ta tr li.

“Nhng anh s sng bng gì?”

THEY HAD NO PRIVACY

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife

lived in a cheap housing complex near the base

where he was working. Their chief complaint was

that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no

privacy. This was painfully obvious when one

morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was

downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by

the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting

a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been

yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

H KHÔNG CÓ CHÚT RIÊNG T NÀO C

Khi là mt cp v chng tr mi ci, ngi chng

v à n gi v sng trong mt khu nhà  liên hp r 

tin gn cơ s ngi chng làm vi!c."iu áng phàn

nàn ch y u ca h là các b#c tng mng nh giy

v à h  không có c s$ kín áo."iu này l ra hin

nhiên mt cách áng bun vào mt bui sáng ngi

chng  tng trên và ngi v  tng di ang gi

i!n thoi.Ngi v b% ct ngang bi ting chuông

c&a và i ra chào ngi hàng xóm.

“"a cái này cho chng cô,” ông ta nói và giúi mt

cun giy v! sinh vào tay cô ta.”Anh y ã hét òi

nó 15 phút!”

A HUSBAND WHO NEVER FEELS ASHAMED

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says

to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My

father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food.

My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car.

I'm just so ashamed."

The husband rolls over on the couch. "And

you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two

worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a

cent!"

MT NGI CHNG KHÔNG BAO GI

BIT XU H

“Em xu h v cách sng ca chúng ta,” mt ngi

v tr nói vi ông chng li – ngi t' chi i tìm

mt vi!c làm.” Ba em tr tin thuê nhà. Má em mua

tt c  n.Ch% em mua qun áo chúng ta. Cô em

mua xe hơi cho chúng ta. Em quá xu h.”

Ngi chng ln tròn trên i vng. “Và em nên tip

t(c ch) trích na,” anh ta ng ý. “Hai ông anh vô

d(ng ca em không bao gi cho chúng ta mt xu!”

THE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU

Having been married ten years and still living in an

apartment, the wife would often complain about

anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to

buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a

new apartment, within their

budget.

However, after the first week, she began

complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all.

There are no curtains in the bathroom. The

neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the

neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."

HÀNG XÓM KHÔNG TH NHÌN THY EM

C

"ã ci nhau mi nm nhng v*n sng

trong mt cn h, ngi v thng phàn nàn  th#

vì cô ta m!t mi v vi!c tit ki!m t#ng xu  mua

mt “ngôi nhà mơ c”.

Vi c gng an i v, ngi chng tìm mt

cn h  mi hp túi tin c a h. Tuy vy , s a u t un l +

u, ngi v li bt u phàn nàn.

“Joel,” cô ta nói, “em không thích nơi này tí

nào. Không có tm màn nào trong phòng tm. Hàng

xóm có th thy em khi em tm.”

“"'ng lo,” chng tr li. Nu qu th$c hàng

xóm thy em, h s mua màn.”

WHERE’S THE SHOE?

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after

she had imbibed a little too much at an office

reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he

decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to

get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were

driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down

and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the

passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he

waited until his wife was looking out her window

before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of

the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the

restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his

wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she

asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

CHIC GIÀY ÂU RI ?

Mt bui ti có mt ngi àn ông lái xe ch cô th

ký v nhà sau khi cô ta ung hơi nhiu ti ba ti!c

chiêu ãi cơ quan. Mc dù ây là mt hành vi vô t

nhng anh ta quyt % nh không nói cho v- ngi

hay ni ghen d+ dàng – nghe.

Ti hôm sau, ngi àn ông và v ánh xe n mt

nhà hàng. Thình lình anh ta nhìn xung và nhn ra

mt chic giày cao gót ,n mt n&a di gh khách.

Không mun b% chú ý, anh ta i ti lúc v nhìn ra

c&a s trc khi anh ta anh ta ht chic giày lên và

qung khi xe.

Vi mt hơi th nh nhõm, anh ta lái xe vào bãi u

xe. Chính lúc ó anh ta chú ý thy v loay hoay

quanh gh ngi. “Anh yêu,” cô ta hi, “ anh có thy

chic giày kia ca em không?”

DUMMY HUSBAND

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything

in the world for one day, what would you want?"

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her

up bright and early and off they went to a local

theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in

the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the

Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five

hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her

head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a

McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered

her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing

chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the

latestHollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn,

Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous

adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly

asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six

again?"

One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my

dress size."

NGI CHNG NG N G H CH

Mt ngi àn ông hi v:”Nu em có th

c mi th# trên th gii trong mt ngày, em s

mun gì?”

“Em mun tr li n h  hi sáu,” nàng áp.

Vào bui sáng sinh nht nàng, anh ta ánh

th#c nàng dy rt sm và h i n mt công viên

ch  1 trong vùng. "úng là mt ngày vui! Anh ta

t nàng lên mi th# trò chơi trong công viên:

"ng trt Cht ngi, Vòng nhào ln Kêu thét,

B#c tng S hãi, mi th#! Ht x,y! Nm ting sau

nàng lo o i ra khi công viên, u óc quay

cung và b(ng nh ln xung. H i vào mt nhà

hàng McDonald, ngi chng gi mt cái bánh kp

th%t ln thêm vi th%t ram và mt ly sôcôla tr#ng

khuy .S a u ó h i ti mt rp chiu phim: b phim

thành công nht, mi nht Hollywood, hot dog, bp

n, Pepsi Cola. Qu là mt cuc chơi tuy!t vi!

Sau cùng nàng i long chong v nhà vi

chng và  s(p xung ging. Anh ta ngã ngi và

hi mt cách âu ym:” "y, em yêu, tr li nh h i

sáu tui thì nh th nào?”

Nàng m mt mt:” Oi anh ng ngh!ch, ý

em mun nói c- áo s sáu.”

A NEW MACHINE

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a

machine he had invented that transferred labour

pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and

the machine was set up. But although it was set to its

highest setting, Billy felt not

a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a few

items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman

lying on his door step groaning in pain.

CHIC MÁY MI

Mt bác s hi mt ngi chng có v sp sinh rng

có mun th& chic máy ông ta mi sáng ch chuyn

cơn au  t' ngi m sang ngi cha không.Billy

ng ý và chic máy c cài vào.Nhng mc dù

chic máy ã chy h t công sut Billy c.ng không

thy au n gì c.

Sau ó anh ta v nhà  ly vài th# v yêu

cu và thy n g i a sa ang nm trc c&a rên r)

au n.

DRUNK

Bob visited his friend Joe's house and was amazed at

how well Joe treated his wife. He told her several

times how attractive she was, complimented her on

her culinary skills and showered her with hugs and

kisses.

"Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you

really make a big fuss over your wife."

"I started to appreciate her more about six

months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage,

and we couldn't be happier."

Inspired by Joe's story, Bob hurried home,

hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her,

and said he wanted to hear all about her day. Instead

she burst into tears.

"Darling," Bob said, "whatever's the matter?"

"This has been the worst day I've had for a

long time," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off

his bike and hurt his ankle, then the washing

machine broke down. Now, to top it off, you come

home drunk!"

SAY

Bob n thm nhà Joe và kinh ngc trc li i x&

tt ca bn i vi v.Anh ta nói vi v n my l n

là nàng hp d*n ra sao, ca t(ng tài nu n khéo léo

ca nàng và ôm hôn v nh ma.

“A,” Bob lu ý bn,”anh quan trng hóa v

anh lên y .”

“Tôi bt u ánh giá nàng cao hơn t '

khong sáu tháng nay,” Joe nói.”"iu ó làm sng

li hôn nhân ca chúng tôi, và chúng tôi hnh phúc

n  không th hnh phúc hơn c na.”

Lây cm h#ng ca bn, Bob vi vã v nhà,

ôm v, nói cho nàng nghe là anh yêu nàng bit bao

nhiêu, và nói anh mun nghe mt ngày nàng làm

vi!c ra sao.Thay vào ó nàng b/ng òa khóc.

”Em yêu,” Bob nói, “Vi!c gì xy ra vi em vy ? ”

“ "ây là ngày ti t! nht ca em lâu nay,”

nàng áp.” Sáng nay Billy té xe  p và b% au mt

cá, sau ó máy git b% h.Bây gi, thêm vào ó, anh

li say x)n v nhà!”

HOW TO BUY A PRESENT?

A man walked into a department store and told an

assistant he'd like to buy a present for his wife.

"Certainly, sir," replied the assistant.

"Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"

"Anything," said the man.

"And in what colour?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Size?"

"Immaterial."

Seeing the assistant's confusion, the man

explained that whenever he bought his wife

something she would always take it back to the shop

and exchange it.

"Why don't you get a gift voucher instead?"

the assistant asked him.

1000 câu chuyện cười song ngữ Anh - Việt

Có thể bạn quan tâm