Drumming up Business

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Drum Up Business Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines.

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Nội dung Text: Drumming up Business

1. Drum Up Business Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines. Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first said, "No business here... natives don't wear shoes." The second one said, "Great opportunity here... natives don't wear shoes!" 2. All Is Fair In Business A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his left, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE' 3. Three Economists & Three Mathematicians Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price. The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy - they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.
Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet. 4. How to Make the Right Decisions The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Right decisions." "But how do you make right decisions?" "One word." "And, sir, What is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get Experience?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions" 4. A Trip to the Meat Market A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. "That will be $6.35," he told the customer. "That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything larger?"
Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took the same one out again. "This one," he said faintly, " will be $6.65." The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. "I know what," she said, "I'll take both of them!" 5. Overworked! For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes! 6. Modern age grocery store he new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying. So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle. 7. A Bad Interview A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!" 8. Out of Stock A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, madam, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, madam. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk smiled and said... "Rain..." 9. Paying in advance A motorist was driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened and he then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now." 10. How Did you Make Your money? A young man asked an older rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his sweater and said, "Well, son, it was 1934 and in the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last dime." "I invested that dime in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for fifteen cents. "The next morning, I invested those fifteen cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 30 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.59." "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
11. Once a Year Sale It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 9:00, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A elderly man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again. As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!" 12. What's The Charge? A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?" 13. Three Envelopes A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him: "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months later there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes!" ******* CRY ON MY SHOULDER If the hero never comes to you If you need someone you're feeling blue If you're away from love and you're alone If you call your friends and nobody's home You can run away but you can't hide Through a storm and through a lonely night Then I show you there's destiny The best things in life They're free But if you wanna cry Cry on my shoulder If you need someone who cares for you If you're feeling sad your heart gets colder Yes I show you what real love can do If your sky is grey oh let me know There's a place in heaven where we'll go If heaven is a million years away Oh just call me and I make your day When the nights are getting cold and blue When the days are getting hard for you I will always stay here by your side I promise you I'll never hide
What real love can do What love can do What real love can do What love can do What real love can do What love can do