Writting good or well 4

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198 Part IV: All You Need to Know about Descriptions and Comparisons Calling All Overachievers: Extra Practice Placing Descriptions Breathing deeply, check out this yoga instruction manual (see Figure 15-1), which, my lawyer begs me to mention, does not describe real postures that a normal human body can achieve. Do not try these positions at home, but do look for ten errors caused by vague, misplaced, or dangling descriptions. After you find the clunkers, correct them — cross out misplaced words, insert words by using carats, and revise sentences in the margins of this book. Note: The errors have several possible corrections, but in the answers section, I show only one correction for each error. Yoga and Y’all: An Excerpt If you only learn one yoga posture, this should be it. Beginners can even do it. To form the “Greeting Turtle Posture,” the mat should extend from knees to armpits freshly laundered and dried to fluffiness. While bending the right knee up to the nose, the left ankle relaxes. You should almost bend the knee for a minute before straightening it again. Throw your head back now extending each muscle to its fullest, only breathing two or three times before returning the head to its original position. Tucking the chin close to Figure 15-1: Sample the collarbone, the nose should wiggle. Finally, raise the arms to the sky instruction manual and bless the yoga posture that is blue. exercise.
199 Chapter 15: Going on Location: Placing Descriptions Correctly Answers to Description Placement Problems a Because she was celebrating an important birthday, Ms. Jonge gave us only ten hours of homework. The implication of this sentence is that she could have given twenty hours. Because the number of hours is the issue, the only belongs in front of ten hours, not in front of gave. b The first task seemed nearly impossible: to write an essay about the benefits of getting older. If it nearly seemed, it did not seem — just approached that state. But that’s not what you’re trying to say here. Instead, the task approached impossible but stopped just short, still in the realm of possibility. Thus the nearly describes impossible and should precede that word. c After I had written almost two pages, my instant message beeped and I put my pen down. How many pages did you write? That’s what the sentence discusses. When the almost is in the right place, you have about a page and a half or a bit more. In the original sentence, you have nothing at all on paper because the sentence says that the speaker had almost written (had approached the action of writing but then stopped). d I figured that even Ms. Jonge, the meanest teacher on the planet, would understand the need to take a break. Clearly the sentence compares this particular teacher with all others, so the even belongs in front of her name. e I made a cup of coffee, but because I’m dieting, I ate only one doughnut and ignored the other three that were silently shouting, “Eat me.” This sentence compares the number of doughnuts eaten (one) with the number available (four). The only belongs in front of the number, not in front of the action (ate). f My friend Eloise gained nearly three pounds last week just from eating glazed doughnuts. One word — just — is in the appropriate place, but nearly must be moved. The nearly tells you that the gain was a bit less than three, and the just tells you the reason (snarfing down doughnuts). g Eloise, my brother, and I love doughnuts, but not all of us eat them; Eloise can’t resist. To correct this sentence you have to play around with the verb a little, because you don’t need the do in the new sentence. Here’s the logic: If Eloise eats the doughnuts and the rest keep their lips zipped, not all but some eat doughnuts. The original sentence illogically states that no one eats and then goes on to discuss Eloise’s gobbling. h Even Eloise draws the line somewhere, and she seldom munches a chocolate sprinkle out- side of homework time. The even shouldn’t precede draws because two actions aren’t being compared. Instead, Eloise is being singled out. i After I had sent a text message to Eloise, I returned to my homework and found I had only five tasks left. The sentence comments on the amount of remaining homework (only five tasks, not six or seven). Hence the only properly precedes five tasks. j correct. Some work made you yawn and some didn’t. Logic tells you that not all is what you want. k I had to read two chapters about an empire that covered almost half the known world. If the chapters almost covered, they didn’t cover at all, they just approached the act of covering. If the empire covered almost half, it spread over maybe 40 to 45 percent of the known world, a much more logical meaning. l The conquerors invaded even countries that had superb defense systems. They’re willing to go up against the best (countries with superb defenses), and that’s where the even belongs. In front of the verb, you get an implied comparison of action (even invaded, didn’t just threaten).
200 Part IV: All You Need to Know about Descriptions and Comparisons m correct. In this one Ms. Jonge almost assigned but then changed her mind. She didn’t assign, say, the first five chapters and half of the sixth. n “I love nearly all children, except those who fight or scribble on their homework, and I wanted to celebrate my birthday with a homework holiday,” she said. Whom does she love? Nearly all, with some notable exceptions. If nearly love is what she does, then she feels affection that never reaches the level of love. Because the sentence compares all children with all chil- dren minus a few clinkers, the nearly belongs in front of all. o I was startled to hear that Ms. Jonge considers ten hours of homework a holiday, but I know that she wants only what’s best for us. If she only wants, she doesn’t do anything else — just wants. But this sentence implies a comparison between only what’s best for us and water tor- ture. Thus the only belongs in front of what’s best for us. p With flying colors, Julie passed the eye examination administered by a very near-sighted clerk. You can easily see what’s wrong with the original sentence. Fixing it can be tricky. If you move with flying colors so that it follows examination, you solve one problem and create another because then the colors are administered by a very near-sighted clerk. You can place with flying colors, as I have, at the beginning of the sentence or, if you wish, after passed. In either spot the description is close enough to the verb to tell you how Julie passed, and that’s the meaning you want. q correct. The two descriptions, written and for cars skidding on ice, are close to the words they describe. Written describes test and for cars skidding on ice describes maneuvers. r Another question, which required an essay rather than a multiple-choice response, inquired about defensive driving. Defensive driving techniques don’t include essays, but test questions do. The description belongs after question because that’s the word being described. s About a week after the written portion of the exam, the Department of Motor Vehicles sent a letter lacking sufficient postage and giving Julie an appointment for the road test. The letter is described by lacking sufficient postage, so that description must follow letter. I inserted and after postage to clarify that the letter, not the postage, gave Julie her appointment. The and attaches both expressions (lacking sufficient postage, giving Julie an appointment for the road test) to the same word, letter. Another possible correction drops lacking sufficient postage and inserts postage-due before letter. t Before the letter arrived, Julie asked her sister to drive her to the testing site. This sentence mentions two actions: asked and drive. The time element, before the letter arrived, tells you when Julie asked, not when she wanted her sister to drive. The description should be closer to asked than to drive because asked is the word it describes. u correct. The description is where it should be. The information about the examiner’s foot is near nervous man, and he’s the one with the fidgety foot. v The first page, which was single-spaced, contained details about Julie’s turning technique. The page is described by single-spaced, not Julie’s three-point turn, which always sends her into a skid. w Julie hit only two pedestrians in the middle of a crosswalk and one tree. Common sense tells you that the tree isn’t in the crosswalk, but the pedestrians are. The description in the middle of a crosswalk should follow the word it describes, in this case, pedestrians. x The examiner relaxed in his aunt’s house in Florida soon after Julie’s road test. I’m sure he needed a break! The relaxing took place in his aunt’s house in Florida. The road test took place on Route 9. Move the description closer to the word it describes.
201 Chapter 15: Going on Location: Placing Descriptions Correctly y Because the examiner had fainted when the speedometer hit 80, Julie wasn’t surprised to hear that she had failed her first road test, but the pedestrians’ lawsuit was a shock. The because statement should be closer to was not surprised, as that expression is being described. You may have been tempted to move because the examiner had fainted when the speedometer hit 80 to the spot after test. Bad idea! If you put the because information after test, it looks as if she failed because the examiner had fainted. Yes, the examiner fainted, but the because informa- tion relates to Julie’s lack of surprise and thus needs to be near was not surprised. A To skateboard safely, you may find kneepads helpful. In the original sentence, no one is skate- boarding. A person must be inserted into the sentence. I’ve chosen you, but skaters, people, and other terms are also okay, as long as some sort of potential skater is in the sentence. B Sliding swiftly across the sidewalk, Lulu smashed into a tree. Lulu should be the one doing the sliding, not the tree, but the original sentence has the tree sliding across the sidewalk. C Although Lulu was bleeding from a cut near her nose ring, a change of sunglasses was out of the question. The original sentence has a change of sunglasses bleeding. The easiest way to correct a sentence with the wrong implied subject is to insert the real subject, which is Lulu. Another correct revision: Although bleeding from a cut near her nose ring, Lulu said that a change of sunglasses was out of the question. Now Lulu is doing the bleeding, a common state for her. D To look fashionable, one must sacrifice a certain amount. Who is looking fashionable? In the original sentence, no one. Add a person: one, you, everybody, or something similar. E While designing her latest tattoo, Lulu thought it would be a good idea to attach a small camera to the frames of her glasses. Lulu has to be doing the designing, but in the original sen- tence, a small camera is designing her latest tattoo. Another way to correct this sentence is to insert Lulu into the first part of the sentence, making her the subject: While Lulu was designing . . . . F Covered in rhinestones, Lulu’s glasses made a fashion statement. Lulu’s glasses are covered in rhinestones, not Lulu herself. Lulu’s glasses must be the subject of the sentence. G Discussed in the fashion press, Lulu’s choice of eyewear was criticized in many articles. What was discussed? The eyewear, not the articles. H correct. Tiffany’s coming to the rescue, so the sentence is fine. I To pacify Tiffany and the pedestrians’ lawyers, Lulu eventually threw the glasses into the trash can. The glasses can’t pacify, but Lulu can. J correct. Okay, it’s a stretch to see Lulu as reasonable, not to mention the discomfort of a stain- less steel helmet, but grammatically this sentence is correct. K Several corrections are possible. Two examples: A single red-light infraction earned a stiff fine. Running a red light earned a stiff fine at one time. The problem word is once, which must be more clearly attached to either running or earned. Here you have to reword and drop the once in order to be perfectly clear whether you’re talking about at one time or a single time, both of which are meanings of once. L Several corrections are possible. Two examples: Backing swiftly away from the traffic cop caused a reaction. Backing away from the traffic cop caused a swift reaction. Here swiftly causes problems unless it is moved closer to backing or, changed to swift, it describes reaction. M correct. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would hear this sentence and attach last summer to was. This one passes the clarity test.
202 Part IV: All You Need to Know about Descriptions and Comparisons N Several corrections are possible. Two examples: When the case came to trial, the judge said that he would punish the drivers severely. The judge said that he would punish the drivers severely when the case came to trial. The problem with the original is subtle but nevertheless worthy of attention. The expression when the case came to trial may be when the judge made his statement or when the judge intended to wallop the drivers. Move the expression and clar- ity reigns. O correct. The description soon can describe only arrived. The word preceding the description, division, doesn’t logically attach to a time element, so the sentence is okay as written. P Several corrections are possible. Two examples: Speaking forcefully to the driver made the point. Speaking to the driver made the point forcefully. The problem with the original is that forcefully could describe either speaking or made. To clarify the meaning, you have to move forcefully closer to one of those words. Q Several corrections are possible. Two examples: The driver recently charged with reckless driving went to court. The driver charged with reckless driving went to court recently. Recently is a description that, like all descriptions, likes to nestle next to the word it describes. If you place it between two possible descriptions, it has a nervous breakdown. R Several corrections are possible. Two examples: The redesigned driver education course won an award a year ago. The driver education course was redesigned a year ago and has won an award. The problem with the original sentence is that a year ago, placed between redesigned and won, could describe either. Fixing this one is a bit tricky; you have to reword to express a clear meaning. Yoga and Y’all: An Excerpt If you only learn only one yoga posture, this should be it. 44 Even Bbeginners can even do it. To form the “Greeting Turtle Posture,” the 45 mat should extend from knees to armpits freshly laundered and dried to fluffiness from knees to armpits extend the mat, which has been 46 47 freshly laundered and dried to fluffiness. While bending the right knee up to the nose, relax the left ankle relaxes. You should 48 almost bend the knee for almost a minute before straightening it again. 49 Now Tthrow your head back, now extending each muscle to its fullest, 50 only breathing only two or three times before returning the head to its 51 original position. Tucking the chin close to the collarbone, the nose should wiggle the nose. Finally, raise the arms to the sky 52 that is blue and bless the yoga posture that is blue. 53 S The description only applies to the number, not to the act of learning. T The description even is attached to beginners to show how easy this posture is.
203 Chapter 15: Going on Location: Placing Descriptions Correctly U The sentence begins with a verb form (To form the “Greeting Turtle Posture”), so the subject of the sentence must be the person who is supposed to do this ridiculous exercise. In the cor- rected sentence, an understood “you” fills that need. V The laundry description belongs to mat, not to armpits, though I do think fluffy armpits are nice. W In the original sentence the subject of bending is implied, not stated, so by default, the other subject in the sentence (the left ankle) takes that role. But the left ankle can’t bend the right knee, so the logic is flawed. Changing the second half of the sentence to “relax the left ankle” makes the subject you (understood), and “you” works as the understood subject you want for the first half of the sentence. Another possible solution: Change the first half of the sentence to “While you are bending. . . .” X The description almost applies to minute, not to bending. Y In the original sentence now is equidistant from throw and extending, creating a vague state- ment. Moving the description clarifies the meaning. Once you move now, add a comma between back and extending to help the reader separate these two actions. z The description only applies to the number of times one should breathe, not to the number of actions one should be doing. Z The introductory verb form must be an action done by the subject, and the nose can’t tuck the chin. The understood subject you can tuck the chin. 1 The color description belongs to sky, not to yoga posture. Another, more concise correction is to delete “that is blue” and simply say, “blue sky.”